"What?! Put my sucker down so I can take a nap?! Ahahahahah... you crazy mama!" Also, possibly, "hey check out these two year molar beasts...they are partly the reason for my angst and mood swings."
Monkey see, monkey do. Beau now is quite sophisticated at mimicking his sister. Fascinating. Frustrating. Adorable.

Bradie has never had as much candy since the advent of preschool. In other news, these people now share a room! This is a really big deal for all of us...I thought I would NEVER be ready for this! But on Friday afternoon, I commissioned Marcus and his set of allen wrenches and we moved Beau in! We are on night three, so far so good. Beau even woke up with a fussy fever and Bradie ran out of water last night. Bradie has been very sweet as I have noticed her catch herself several times to change her speech to say "our" room. And I am proud of me- it is hard as woman and a mother to give up control.

Several people have asked if it is for the "new baby". Right now it is for me. It is about giving it up. I have had doubts this weekend here and there, wondering if it is a mistake, but that is so silly and worrisome- millions of people around the world sleep in one room and even in one bed! My two and four year old can certainly share a room. Will they hate it? Sometimes, but it will be but a breath and we will make the switch again I'm sure. Its so hard sometimes as a mom to keep the big picture in mind as you spend day in and day out with these needy, sometimes demented people. It's easy to forget that many of their tears and woes and trials are simple character builders. And to swoop in with permissiveness or rage robs them of a chance to grow just a little bit. Whoa, rant much?

We had our interview and it went well, I think. We should no soon if we are "in".
Nine candles are all we had but it is appropriate for my 29th birthday, I think. It was a spice cake with vanilla frosting made by Marcus. Spice cake is a close second to chocolate, but I am off the sauce for a while due to a self-imposed chocolate hiatus. Appropriate I suppose as this is the beginning of Holy Week- to pause and remember my fallen, addictive, selfish and distracted nature and remember the Holy One who died for us all. Good, good stuff.

Anything else? Ah yes. I scrubbed my kitchen floor today and found an intact, unsprouted head of garlic, hid just so, right behind a leg of the microwave cart. Score!

little by little.... Jesus is changing me!

Aren't we cute?

The middle picture is one that we sent with our application to our adoption agency a couple of months ago. It is one of the pictures I presume they have been praying over as they considered the "on paper" Merrifields. On March 23rd we will go in for a pre-screening interview to see if we are "accepted" by our agency to move forward in the process.

Our plan, God willing, is to be matched with an "emancipated" child here in Washington State. This is called "foster/adopt", which is not becoming a foster parent but rather adopting out of the foster care system.

I am having a hard time mentally going to the place where I admit that "my" child may be alive and around somewhere...so why not just come on out and say it on a blog! :) Phew... and, closely following is the "Oh, Lord..."

There's just SO much to consider and PRAY about with this!!!!

cauliflower, sweet and sour, half an hour... Veggie tales!

Tonight I made Chicken Parmigiana (spelled that right first try!) and Sauteed Rainbow Chard. I was in foodie heaven. I said several times, muttered actually, to no one in particular, "don't talk to me, I'm eating." Before it was ready, as I stood at my stove covered in pans of various sizes, I even said to Marcus. "Please be prepared to help Beau because I am cooking here. Really, actually cooking so..." It was delicious. Chard?! Who knew?! Okay, lots of people I am sure but it was a revelation to me. A night when vegetarianism makes complete and perfect sense. Ahhhh.

And the ONLY reason I happened to have chard is because we signed on for some organic produced to be delivered by a farm that is a little north of here. I got our box today and it was like Christmas morning as I unwrapped the pretty produce. This week it contained the blessed chard of course, asparagus, broccoli, some sweet mini peppers, Romaine, a pineapple, two grapefruits, two blood oranges (!), four roma tomats and five apples. Boo. Ya. All organic. 30 bucks. Yippee!

Clutch in, time to shift. I am getting older and growing up. I am finally seeing some quirky things about me revealed through so many different things in my life- even this box of good from the farm! You see, I would never buy winter greens myself, because I ASSUME I wouldn't even know where or how to begin, then it would sit in the crisper drawer and thus lose all its crispness because I would forget about it and choose potato chips instead. So why bother?

I had actual trepidation about even signing up because nagging at the back of my mind is "Sara, you will flake out. You will forget. No one will like the stuff anyway. It will be a waste of money. It will prove a failure." Can you believe that?!

I recently had a blessed opportunity to be with my friend Maggie for a few days and actually processed this aloud for the first time... I have a tremendous fear of failure. I order my life as best I can so that I will never experience rejection or failure. It weaves it way into lots of things- even as I type this I am thinking of more instances. Even with my dearest people, when I absolutely MUST ask for help I do it in a way that will make it so easy for them to say no. It spares me. It makes the fall only an inch or two with only slight bruising, if any.

I am learning this is a stressful way to live. And as a woman of faith it is an opposing way to live. It is a life of no faith. Last fall our smallish group read a book called Crazy Love by Frances Chan. Talk about a book full of tall orders! To me, the crux, the question of the book was this: Are you going to live your life as if God doesn't really exist? Are you going to live taking risks of faith where only He can provide and come through? It challenged how we live out our faith in our culture as well. I can speak for our group members when I say it gave us a ton to think and talk and pray about!

It was an important book for me because last October as I was sitting at Bible study at church I felt what I can only describe as a mighty, rushing wind blow through my insides as I listened to Chip Ingram preach about the deep love of God. And I knew in that moment that I was supposed to have another child. That despite all my trepidation and fear and recorded anxieties in my own journal, I had more room in my soul to love another a child. And the kicker: an orphaned child. WHAT?! I know, me too. Are you kidding me? I can scarcely write about this still!

So there it is. Out there. There is of course more of the journey and the story to share, but I believe my posts from last spring/summer and the crazy miraculousness I witnessed, may explain. It is breathtaking for me to go back and read them, as I now see it as a seed planted. God using circumstances the way only He can to educate me, chide me, bless me and soften me to the tenderness in His own heart towards the fatherless.

I am not sure what else to say at this point. Quite honestly, I feel as though I have an egg in my throat at this very moment! It's just.... a lot. There's so many questions, doubts, fears, threats that I must simply trust God. There is very little that I can do here except to fling myself, cast myself like a toddler off a diving board into my Father's arms. And for the girl who's afraid to buy unusual produce... its the tallest order yet :)

joyeux anniversaire beau mon cher...

Can you believe this little monkey is two? I sure cannot. He's my sweet baby. He's my big boy. I can't believe I was scared to even have a boy...I clearly remember feeling terrified during the ultrasound!

Good thing we don't get to make these decisions, eh?

Thanks be to God, who knitted this little one so perfectly together in my reluctant womb, whose wisdom and giving of good gifts is the direct opposite of my shifty and fretful heart.